No, not love-making related faking. I know you might have thought that since The Holiday is upon us. But yeah no, I’m not really going to write anything about that. Not in, like, a bitter way or anything. It’s just that I’m single and have no creative ideas to suggest, so go have dinner and some sex and shut up.
Instead, I’m going to write about something that currently matters in my life.
Bartending.
So I got a job on Friday at this bar in Jersey City as a bartender, and well, long story short… I lied and have no idea what I’m doing. I mean, I poured a few pints as a waitress at a college bar 5 years ago when the bartender was busy changing a keg in the basement, but really I have no business being behind a bar.
So what happens? Well, they put me behind the bar! On a Saturday! And I didn’t burn it down! I survived. And I’ll tell you how you can survive if you too find yourself in need of any sort of gig but you’re scared you can’t do it cause you’ve never done it. You can! And here’s how via The C.O.S.M.O. System:
1. Cram: Dude, study! I mean, channel your inner 16 year old and fucking flash card that shit up for a few hours before you’re to go in. In this case, focus on the basics… the things you might have ordered back in the day when you thought drinking was special. Margaritas, Manhattans, Kamikazes, Buttery Nipples, Lemon Drops, Martinis (dirty, cosmo, apple, pomegranate, chocolate, etc.), Bay Breezes, Sex on the Beaches, Washinton Apples…
In all likelihood, you’re going to be opening beers and making vodka clubs, but you should at least have a few frilly shits in your brain bank in case some douchebag tries to get fancy.
2. Observe: Watch someone else doing what you’re about to do. Get there early, analyze the shit out of stuff. Watch how they pour and how much, scan the shelves and familiarize yourself with where everything is. What can really slow down a rookie bartender is not knowing where the liquor is shelved. Photographic memory that shit.
3. Smile! Stay positive. Do not panic. People are usually pretty understanding. Say you’re new. It’s your first night. “Bare with me!” and they do! Chat about stuff you do know. Recommend a delicious beer or cocktail that you enjoy… and know how to make. Joke, make fun of yourself, and remember, the set-up itself is symbolic. You stand between them and their poison. They need you. They’ll wait for you.
4. Maintain Appearences! Yourself and your surroundings. You’ve been to a bar. You’ve seen bartenders. Now, look like one. It’s common sense. Ask people if they need anything, wash some glasses, wipe stuff down, go the computer and dick around for a few minutes. Just don’t stand there, chin quivering, looking lost.
5. Own it. By now you should be feeling sorta okay. You’re beyond faking… you’re becoming. You’re getting better at something you’ve never done. Go home and lie in bed and laugh, cause you’re fucking brilliant and capable of anything. Even Au Capoeira, you lazy piece of shit, go take the class! (That was to me, not you.)
So there you have it. Hopefully this guide will help you through many an unknown experience. New jobs, sexy-time stuff you’ve never tried, karaoke? Be confident, baby. Haters, to the left.
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